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RENT A BILLIONAIRE
I’m on the road to becoming a Billionaire, yes, that’s billionaire with a capital B. Like most of you, I’ve worked and struggled while the rest of the world has box seats at Yankee stadium or on the 50 yard line at Giants Stadium and I’m left to squint at a fuzzy black and white 13" TV set with a picture that rolls (except during commercials). Nobody ever said life was fair but it seems to me everybody ought to get a turn. My turn or not, I found a way out.
It came as a sign from heaven. There they were, together on the same page of our local newspaper, a pair of articles, seemingly unrelated, that will put yours truly on the road to Billionaire-dom.
The first article was headlined: "Philip Morris must pay $3 billion to smoker." It was about a 53 year old fellow who won a suit against Philip Morris for contributing to his incurable lung cancer. The jury didn’t seem to care that each pack of cigarettes he smoked bore a warning label. Aha, I’ll bet you think I’m going to try the same thing. You’re wrong. I quit smoking 20 years ago, and though I didn’t catch anything - don’t think I’m not keeping notes.
The second article’s headline read: "Study says obese are sicker than smokers." Get the message? No? Well it gave me the keys to the kingdom. This little fatty put two and two together and he is going to sue the pants off every company that helped him get this way – obese, that is. I’m not sure of the definition of obese but I’m at least 50 pounds overweight, give or take – if not over the top, that should be close to obese. Whenever I see my doctor he says, "You have to lose weight." And every time he says it, I say, "Sure, Doc," then I go home and sooth my wounded pride with a couple of donuts.
Who’s to blame for me getting into this life threatening obese condition? I’ll tell you who’s to blame, the people who make Twinkies!. Have you ever read a warning notice on a package of Twinkies? Neither have I. The Twinkie people are ripe for a suit. From kindergarten on, I wolfed down Twinkies every chance I could. I washed them down with soda and chocolate milk. Not that I blossomed into a balloon right away – no, Twinkies are very sneaky, their calories are time released, like allergy medicine. Years later, my once svelte figure exploded without warning. I went from shopping in the young men’s clothing section to the portly department almost over night.
And it’s not only Twinkies either, that’s why this is going to be the mother of all class action suits. I think of Entemann’s and I see dollar signs. Dunkin Donuts better hide, too, and take their cousin, Crispy Crème, with them. I’ve checked our super market’s shelves while gathering material for my lawyer and not one of the culprits mentioned have warning labels on their products. Neither does Mrs. Smith’s pies - not to mention that other queen of calories, Sara Lee.
Why our government allowed us to become obese is beyond me. Oh, sure, you can say that the calorie cartel has Congress in its pocket and keeps it there with heavy campaign contributions, but that doesn’t excuse the Food & Drug Administration. It’s a plot, that’s what it is, we are being assassinated by our own government! How come they see fit to ban tobacco ads from TV but look the other way when a little cartoon character sings, "Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!"?
This is fair warning to Hagen Daas and Turkey Hill: "Save your pennies, boys. You turned this food lover into the Pillsbury doughboy and now you’re going to pay. It wouldn’t have cost much to add a line to your addictive products that says, ‘Consuming this product has been known to cause obesity!’ My bottom has expanded for the sake of your bottom line.
"It’s my turn now. I’ll rake in millions because when a jury sees what a pitiful example of the human race I’ve become they’re going to throw the book at you. I can’t wait to roll in the money the court will award me – I’ll roll because pudgy people can’t run.
"And you know what I’m going to do with the windfall? I’m going to fill our larder with the good things of life – Twinkies, Mallomars, Eskimo Pies, Duncan Donuts, Ice Cream, Cream Pies, and Tiramisu! Yes, you made me what I am today and, thanks to you, I’m going to die of obesity rolling in dough with a smile on my face."
.............................................................. Carl Sparacio